Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Losing Weight the Rotavirus Way

Catchy title, don’t you think? After last week I needed to find some humor somewhere, so as I was driving away from the airport Friday morning from a canceled flight, I thought I could write a book entitled Losing Weight the Rotavirus way.

I was on cloud nine Sunday night after the Colts completed their unexpected run in the playoffs with a nice Super Bowl win and was looking forward to exchanging barbs with my Chicago friends on Monday as I lay down to sleep. Unfortunately I woke up at 5:00 AM with a rumble in my tummy that indicated I needed to make a quick dash to the toilet. Thinking I must’ve gotten hold of some bad food, I proceeded to get ready for work since I was already awake. After 4 more trips to the bathroom in less than an hour I knew I was headed for a miserable day in the least. I’ve got a bathroom right next to my office so it didn’t seem to bad at first, but by Noon I’d worn a nice path in the carpet between my desk and the loo. I decided to stick out the day (mistake #1) and drink lots of water. By the time I got home I was finished. What proceeded the following three days is probably considered torture by the United Nations. Between Monday at 5:00 AM and Thursday night I lost 12 pounds (I only weighed 160 lbs to begin with) and nothing stayed in my system.

At 2:00 AM Friday morning it started again and I wished to heck that I could cancel my trip to Denver, where I attended and spoke at a small conference. But life goes on, I said to myself, and so I plodded off to the airport at 6:00 AM only to discover the flight hadn’t landed the night before and everyone with half a brain had already re-scheduled to the other three flights to Denver leaving Missoula. After an hour and a half wait, I was re-routed to Denver through a 5:00 PM Delta flight stopping over in Salt Lake, with a 9:00 PM arrival time. The flight from Missoula to Salt Lake was actually quite pleasant, leading to the false belief that I had turned the corner. The rotaviran gremlins danced with glee in my tummy as I arrived at my connection gate to find my flight was delayed 2 hours. I didn't arrive in Denver until after 11:00 PM, 14 hours after I was originally scheduled to land.

But waiting in airports does have advantages for busy bodies like me…I met a young man from the sticks of Montana who wais heading to Iraq for a 9 month contract to replace armor on Bradley’s and Humvee vehicles… He was at the airport with his 4 month pregnant girlfriend and her family, all very Montana-esque. I also eavesdropped on two evangelical couples heading to Dakar in Senegal… They were so clean that I picked them out as either mercenaries or evangelicals from the get go…I’m good. Across the aisle from me was another woman who was in line with me in the morning, on the same flight Friday evening and on the connection to Denver; she kept staring at me (or I kept staring at her?) and I’m wondering if she either thought I was stalking her or if she wondered if I thought she was stalking me… Boredom and a wandering mind in airports are a bad thing.

And another thing…I hate those damn Bluetooth headsets people wear around these days like hood ornaments. There was a guy in the airport two seats down from me watching a movie on his laptop…..the volume was loud enough to cause stares…and he had his bluetooth in. His ringtone was set to the sound of an old-fashioned ringer and it was LOUD, really loud, as weare his conversations. This type of person bugs the snot out of me. And worst yet, the movie he was watching was “The Postman”, that super shitty Kevin Costner flick.

Ramble, ramble, rambling.
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